(dir. Peter Jackson, 2012)
What’s the sound of one hand counting money?
That’s not a riddle. The answer’s easy.
As blatant a cash-grab as it comes, “The Hobbit: An
Unexpected Journey” offers a nearly three hour glimpse into the mind of
whatever Peter Jackson was dreaming before he decided to shoot. Nothing feels
vital. Nothing feels built to last. It’s all a blank canvas for Jackson to
regurgitate his ideas without a filter and charge us 10 bucks three times over
for the privilege.
I can think of movies I hated more. But few in
recent memory made me this angry.
Like I had been handled by a filmmaker who didn’t give a damn if we were
entertained, didn’t give a damn if we were bored, and didn’t give a damn
whether his movie was working. With his (deserved) Oscar gleaming on the
mangle, he set forth to build an extended preview for two other movies.
Most of the problem seems to be lack of constraints.
When he made the “Lord of the Rings” series he was a director with a mission to
make fantasy a viable mainstream genre, up against a system assured of his
failure. Every step he took, fans held their breath waiting for their dreams to
be rendered moot. Making those movies was one long string of “No.”
And now the lyrics to the song are nothing but “Yes.”
Three hours covering 100 pages of novel? Yes! An extended 20 minute sequence
where Bilbo wonders why people are arriving for dinner? Yes! Random giant
living mountains that fight when thunder spews or something, leaving our heroes
stranded on the side until the scene ends and the story resumes? Why not!
Creativity doesn’t live in unfettered access. It
lives in a box. You’re put in the box, shown the boundaries, and use your
brains to fight your way out. With Jackson now appearing to be a man without
rules, his thoughts just ooze across the landscape.
What a series of aimless, borderline lazy thoughts
they are too! His “LOTR” films had a drive. A propulsion. You knew what the
characters’ goals were, what they needed to get there, and thus their actions
carried genuine weight. No such weight exists here. Instead it feels oddly like
some hang-out TV show like “Dukes Of Hazzard.”
You want one scene leading logically to the next? No
such luck. Just a mishmash of dwarves getting’ into random jams and Gandalf getting’
‘em out. How are them Middle Earth boys gonna get out of this one, you wonder!?
Oh right. They have a fucking wizard with a magic stick. Enjoy your movie,
suckers.
That lack of structure leads to lack of tone – “The
Hobbit” never quite pins down what kind of movie it wants to be. J.R.R. Tolkien’s novel was
essentially a kid’s book. Fantastical creatures go on a quest of relatively
little consequence, fight a few battles, and that’s that. Light breezy stuff
requiring a light breezy movie.
And that’s what Jackson provides…among many other
movies. While he is indeed adapting “The Hobbit,” he’s also making what is now
consciously a “LOTR” prequel. As such, he makes the clumsy effort to meld the
whimsy of “The Hobbit” with the direness of “LOTR.” Entire scenes vault back
and forth, like a plane guided by dueling air traffic controllers with a grudge
over a woman.
If the movie struggles over tone and plot, there is
certainly no struggle between
personalities. Remember Aragorn in “LOTR”? What about Frodo? Gimli? Can you
describe them in ways besides their individual actions or looks? Now try doing
the same thing to the new characters in this movie (apart from established ones
like Gandalf).
Abandon all hope, ye who want distinct characters
here. All you’re greeted with are hollow vessels to spout exposition.
I admit it. I’m not a Tolkien fan. As one not among
the faithful, I have no right to demand what a “Hobbit” adaptation should be.
For all I know, this is the movie Tolkien fans dreamed of. Like I said, I’m not
one of them.
I am,
however, a movie fan. And as such, this one blows. Bad movies I can get over.
What bothers me is the insinuation that this is all I deserve. “The Hobbit,” in its entire interminable glory, shows such
lazy disinterest in its audience.
Like a victim whose loved one has been kidnapped and
dismembered, we can only dread the remaining pieces down the road.
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